Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
