And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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