these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Randomize
