How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
