I didn't shave. On purpose
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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