I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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