phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
