Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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