Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Randomize
