Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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