My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize