Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
