I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
