it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
