I wish I could punch you in the face.
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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