On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
