Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
