Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
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