He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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