Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
