i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
