Whod you bang
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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