dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
