I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
