i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
