I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Where is the hickey?
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
