You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
