If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
