When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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