I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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