This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
