What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
