Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Randomize
