dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
