Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize