I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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