when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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