Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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