went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
