the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
