he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize