i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
