kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
