You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
