I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
