so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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