There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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