How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
