Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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