The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Randomize