You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
