It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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