Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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