Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
