Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You were trust falling into bushes
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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