I have demons in me.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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