Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
