Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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