a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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