My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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