i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
