The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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