I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
