have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
