I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Randomize
