conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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